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Time for some male bashing..... (For a change)...
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
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Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...
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Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
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Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...
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Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
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Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business
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Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .
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Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...
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Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
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Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
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Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
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Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. .
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky....... .......
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The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky |
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A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
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"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life !! -Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a tenyear married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Love is blind but marriage is an eyeopener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. -Anonymous
I asked my wife, " Where do you want to go for our anniversary ?" She said," Somewhere I have never been !" I told her, " How about the kitchen ?" -Anonymous
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. -Anonymous
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. -Anonymous
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in." -Anonymous
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs... .."
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in! -Anonymous
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "
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Modern Maths
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Therefore,
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work
============ ========= ========= ============ =========
Equation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys
============ ========= ==
Equation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend
Therefore,
Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Donkeys
============ = =========
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Men that don't earn money = Women that don't spend.
So, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)
And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)
So, we have...
Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money
Therefore... from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together! |
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An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' the other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; BUT all men are men.
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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5 ChineseChuBuHuFu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .
In order to get a visathey had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck
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Fu and Su decided to stay in China
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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1. Working / Earning not mandatory.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips
11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.
12. Easy to get a ride.
13. Men hold the door open for us.
14. Jewels looks good on us.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.
25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
30. We can cry in public. Men cant.
31. We don't feel shy to cry.
32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. We know how to make up stories.
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Easy to make friendships.
51. Much easy to get a date.
52. Men have to be in uniform.
53. We can do makeup anywhere
54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.
67. We are always smart.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.
76. We can be late to the office.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.
87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.
88. Don't have to maintain great physique.
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.
95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.
96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!
شیخ بزرگ شهر کس شعر آباد |
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